Absent-minded, I glare into a void. The void is filled with white noise. A dark green blur of Pine trees, tall and aligned, as soldiers waiting on instructions. They rise above the rusty-brown and grey, of the cast iron railing, surrounding my balcony. In the background the majestic mountain is doing its thing, hallowed by a vibrant rainbow, talking about better days. The sky, looking, how I feel. Tense. I’m taking it all in, and at the same time, it wouldn’t have made a difference, if it all had been pitch black.
I want to jump, to leap, physically and mentally. I want to jump, even if it’s from a cliff into nothingness. I would do it, immediately, without hesitation, just to be able, to be united with him once again.
He was here, for just one moment. He was standing tall besides me. I was looking up to him. His warming energy surrounded me. I felt so safe, protected. Nothing and no one was able to touch me there, in his steady embrace. This is where I supposed to be. This is where I belong to be. A calm feeling inside me. At the same time I’m buzzing, with butterflies, with inspiration and live. There is an infinite well, filled with white power we can tap from. Millions of beautiful, interesting plans, scroll through my head. At the same time, I’m fully committed, to the Here and the Now. Our bodies are in ultimate contact. Connected and feeling as one. He becomes me and I become him. As if we always were this connected, and this was our default state of being
One glance, at the running people. He is gone. My heart stops beating for a moment. The Wall, in the alley, where, until a few seconds ago, our bodies and minds had been inter twined. Is Empty. I try to stay calm, but Panic takes his victim. The world, starts spinning.
I’m running and running, quickly, there might be time. Trying to find him. Knowing, with a knot in my stomach that the world is turning around. The alarms, are screaming. People are running crazed, to be in time to get to their gates. It’s my curfew. My time is almost up. Just a few more moments, and the blazing white light, shreds this whole world apart, until the smallest atom perishes.
When in the next 16 hours this world will be reborn will he be there? Waiting for me, against that wall.
I feel lost. The sun is shining, had been shining, from behind the rainbow. I notice it, when the cloud covers it’s warming rays. I shiver, feeling the chill of the ambivalent season. It mirrors, the emptiness and gloominess, that the loss of my, last night, made me feel.
I try, to force to get into a trance state, blatantly knowing that trying too hard to get into trance, has a reverse effect. But I want it so badly. I want back in time. I want to keep holding him. Touch his cheekbones, with my fingertips. Feel the soft touch, of his whisper against my cheek. His kisses on my forehead, eyes, and keeping them on my lips, locked, for an eternity.
The edges of my heart curl up. Leaving it, a size smaller, and harder to touch. Cringed because of, the unexplainable feelings, I have for this dream-worlder.
It’s going to be hard, to get through this day. It was just a dream, my consciousness tells me. He was just a dream. That wasn’t what it felt like. It felt like, I had just lost my truest friend. Stupidly losing him, by glancing away for a second. Being, distracted. There wasn’t even a trace. No movement of air. No shadow speeding away.
My schedule today is packed. I have to go to the city. I’ll know, I won’t be able to pass an alley whiteout looking if he’s there. I will startle when the shop door will open right next to me. I will be looking with anxiousness if he is coming out of it.
He isn’t fiction. I recognised him. He was the one I lost, to find again, against the wall in an alley. Only to lose him all over again and leave him behind in my dreamworld
I will find him again. I won’t get distracted by daily nonsense and struggles. I will pay more attention. Hopefully I will be in his arms tonight to tell him this. To tell him I won’t look away again.
While writing this my eyes fill up with salty water. I’ll keep them inside, ´don’t you worry´. Even though it’s been a year, it still moves me. Today is the day I didn’t find him again. like every other day that has past. Still every night just before falling a sleep I will call him.
¨Please, my dear will you make the wall unempty again¨.